What do you do uh when you were homeless & on pilgrimage, and you lost contact uh with somebody who was homeless, and you’re concerned about their safety.
Connected to The Death Project & The Four Interviews
By Goura Fotadar for The Fictional VolunTier Project
theme: I’m telling, you! (?)
Friday, November 6, 2015 to Sunday, November 8, 2015
What do you do uh when you were homeless
& on pilgrimage,
and you lost contact
uh with somebody
who was homeless, and you’re concerned about their safety.
I have a friend who
I met on pilgrimage,
that came from a very privileged
background; in fact in that
state that I pilgrimaged through a few of my friends, several of them, youngish adult men; came from lives of privilege and/or enrichment. Examples include without giving out for example their actual life stories especially in specific just to protect at least their identities from all the potential harm that can come from envy alone from just one being externally to you. Call me crazy in my metaphysical approach to nearly everything. Such examples include having an “Exeter” education prior to college, and the cliche yet famed example of a surgeon or something of that nature, father.
However, unlike my fellows, I didn’t either have a criminal record or a drug addiction, and though most of them had dropped out or were heading to undergraduate studies, I had long ago yet unconventionally completed mine at a underprivileged and yet highly prestigious university. However, we shared in common: “dropping out” the “non-conventional” views on housing, and a lack of misogyny; me being the only slightly older women in the loose homeless group. But, unlike some of them, I grew out in the veracity of underprivileged and the voraciousness of abuse. That rarely do any of us ever completely heal from; and at perfection we become to ourselves what they took before it was perfected. There never is a need for another when survived and not healed from such existence experience. O.K. what’s my point. My point is we shared stories, dramas, crushes, relationships, personal histories, and much more in a brief stint of time. Uhm, and anyway … there was one outlier like there always or often is and what does that mean anyway: always or often
it usually means
one or the other
but not in this
case of always
or often both.
So my hands are somewhat gnarled at present from old mine (yet anyway) age that isn’t mine: ha! the carrying of karma patterns.
In the vanity of our elders who rarely who vainly and unwisely refuse (oh refuse) to age: I’m not old! No, really my young voice inserts itself into their hopes of deluding us all about their stage of development that they have reached in years, but deny in both: wisdom and age. The Wise Age as opposed to Wise Sage.
and we can only hope for the Wise Stage, can’t we those that perform out of vanity also hmmm hmmm and not of course out of manipulation of metaphysical development: at least your own: right. Lease, your own write (or something). So anyway, because I have to get to close to the ultimate point with regard to this essay, looking for my friend who has been missing from that brief group, I finally made a call to where his most updated public low-level criminal record shows him to be, and I called a local shelter in that area, asking if they had heard of him; a few months ago, and they said: “never heard of him.” Of course, I tried the email method, and there I haven’t heard from him since mid last year, which is a long time ago; and also I then called the local police department to verify that he hadn’t shown up dead. I can tell you, that I was very concerned about him ending up dead, just because of the trauma and danger of that situation for adults who grew up especially as sheltered kids: you know those with families, comfortable homes, and dysfunctional forms of trauma (whatever that means); who then went on or go on to experience homelessness (after this upbringing). I feel the trauma of being homeless and sometimes wandering from place-to-place in a country that you are from, and one where your family happily or at least posing happily, lives in flaunting comfort to the pain of your constant and consistent discomfort, not to mention security. In a culture of actual elitism, a kid like that, (who by the way is way into adulthood), would never go unused in terms of at least society’s needs of his capabilities; not to mention, his own agenda of accomplishment. However, in my own personal experience, the United States sadly so still functions as society run by privilege and not the opportunity of elite spotting of actual potential to develop. Forget those with effort. I always wonder who is recruiting who. I always think, I’m recruiting myself to work for my own causes, whatever and regardless of others what may they think. I believe this landed me to be homeless, and not some other more pronounced deviant reason. For quite obviously, this is highly deviant thinking, and growing up, I was often kicked out of classes for being a popular but non-malicious deviant. I wonder what that means, just ignore sarcasm I suppose if it bothers you, and instead of wondering why it bothers you. Sarcasm again, wins the point.
So anyway, I have plans to call the county morgue to verify and hope that that friend of mine, homeless and a criminal, is not dead. This of course connects me to My Own Experience of My Death Project Development, not to mention “The Four Interviews”. Back to the point, because I must add a metaphysical and conventional form of respect to what could very well be the end for one of them, of my homeless friends; and after several months of deep concern for this friend’s welfare, I have to let go. Other than of course, to also call the county morgue, once the week starts again, and I have the opportunity. I am constantly and consistently behind in my work as I think I’ve been mentioning just if only to remind myself, no matter how much I try to stay on-task. Anyway, for The Death Project, well-intention toward my friend in a Hellish Situation, and just out of my own Volunteer Agenda (further); I’m going to write a brief eulogy and or something of its nature for this friend, prior-to calling the county morgue, (there).
My Basic Outlines Thus Far Steps Nearly Complete in … What do you do uh when you were homeless and on pilgrimage, and you lost contact uh with somebody who was homeless, and you’re concerned about their safety:
1. Attempt to Contact Them.
2. Give them time to respond, they may not be able to regularly or even access email or a phone if you have number for them. State phones at this point are free for those of us either homeless low incomed or without an income; for example, I currently have a free state phone.
3.Then do a basic search online for them to see if they’ve turned up anywhere; based on this; contact a local shelter and/or soup kitchen situation on the larger level near the most recent location you can find for them, if even it is from an arrest log; and to see if they’ve shown up there, and are hopefully “safe”
4.If nothing else yields search results and/or confirmation of their safety; then please call the local police department in their suspected area of wandering being homeless just-to-confirm that they haven’t been turned up dead, and hopefully in not the worse forms of death-coming onto any of us:
5. Almost finally, write about your experience with the situation if you can, no matter how vague; it helps clarify a highly difficult process in coping with a situation that is nearly but not completely out of your control; and call the county morgue or nearby morgue in the area you researched them being in most recently, just to confirm that in fact they are still alive, and hopefully safe. (When you’re ready for it.)
6. Connected to the Death Project, if only quickly create a metaphysical Slant Eulogy for them … in case and to spread your well-intention for them and in the atmosphere whether they are dead or not; since this is a good energy way in my opinion anyway of supporting them in their life/existence journey to protect themselves, their development, and their own safety. Below, it is: Written Quickly:
I hope you’re dead eulogy
Oh, interesting young adult who is actually an adult
I’m sorry about the trauma of especially your Mother,
and the lack of Support of your Father;
and the no communication between your siblings.
I’m sorry that you are not sure which way to go in terms of your Spiritual Progression, and also romantic relationships, including sexuality preferences. I’m sorry that your general and yet non-completed goodwill goes to only cause you trouble in your life and circumstance. I know from personal experience that any level of true goodwill just can’t do that, no matter how small. So had we been given more time together, I would have investigated what is under your goodwill. I never got the chance to tell you, but I see within your image an image of self-
hatred; that seeps from inside and tries hard to spread outside, so that it can control the Circumstance of What Many Consider to Be Fate. I’m sorry that you have barely recovered from the trauma of barely a few years past, and that you haven’t had the time for trauma recovery. I’m sorry that your career goals are undirected and that you don’t think or believe that you are religious enough to be directed by that. I’m sorry that you are still adjusting to what is goodness in our Modern Society; no matter, how small it is in existence. I hope that your future years, do not bring your Death early, but at the Right Time. For I always say that Death is A privilege
that Few Get to Experience in Preparation. It seems so odd to be concerned about yours, since uhm, you are still so young. But given the circumstances as described to me, and in their truth, I realize that your Death might be a reality that may appear for us sooner than we’d hope. I want to tell you that you are a very unique individual even if you are somewhat of an outlier, and can be seen at times as a social plague. That is the best way to describe you; you are a social plague and better one-on-one than in groups; and though this has severely exhausted me in my friendship with you; I understand that this is just one of your ways of communicating your introversion. I’m sorry that I wasn’t better able to emotionally repair your severe trauma the times that you were repeatedly crying in the snow, in your Native or Home State. I’m also terribly sorry that your parents repeatedly lie to you about what they will do for you, in terms of support and never meet their lies as agreements with you. I’m terribly sorry that your parents manipulate you and then repeatedly call the police as you told me, to have you arrested for seeking shelter under their roof. Because other than a marriage, you have such few other if any other life goals: I’ve just come up quickly with projected ideas of your future life: Since you don’t steal, and your criminal record only involves things such as trespassing; I know that it won’t stop you as does unfortunately sometimes other criminals from getting work. I’d really like to see you go to college, and maybe design something of your own; even if it is just a simple book. I’d also like for you to be affiliated with at least one or more religious communities because of your repeated mention of things such as, Enlightenment and the Buddha, and churches; even if you don’t align with any spiritual tradition. I’m sorry I never had the opportunity to teach you how to meditate, and given your anxiety levels, I wish I had taught you; but I ran out of time. Because you are in constant danger of being hit, and have even lost parts of your body in physical and what seem random attacks, though I don’t believe in randomness exactly; I’d suggest some type of combat training if only in self-defense. Since you seem to be a non-violent person, at least then some basic security training, which is what I see most lacking in your personal protection of yourself. For example, if your dad threatens to hit you for dropping out of college, I would have called the police, instead of the other way around. Or more significantly perhaps, recording what he said to you because in this day and age it is illegal to threaten children or anybody of any age that way. I only suggest these things because my sympathy for your suffering never really turned to compassion; because of my own severe history with honestly much worse trauma and close to no privilege whatever that means. I feel as though if I can survive on-my-own without any support, than anybody should be able to do it. However, I know that for many people support makes an enormous difference. As a volunteer now, and unemployed in the traditional sense; though I have to be blatant, I’ve never met anybody that works harder than me. As a child this was greatly disappointing given the circumstance of my gender, society, and privilege. I did however have the opportunity to spend most of my years, and my birth in this “free” country; which given my family’s country of origin, made a difference in paying my way through at least my undergraduate studies. I still owe enormous amounts of money to graduate school for dropping out, and giving up a career that would have paid off all of my grad student loans, as I had securely planned. But as you know, our plans don’t always work out; especially when we have this horror of even a modern day society to work against them; and even when we work harder than we can imagine. At least this has been the case for me. I know that the main difference between the two of us is our work ethic. It’s just that while homeless and traumatized though more recovered from trauma of a more severe form than you; I wrote an entire free series, and took part in at least one-day volunteer projects that I could make it to with no money. And I know that you mostly focused on “not getting out of here” and hopefully getting married soon. I know that marriage isn’t a dirty word in energy for everybody like it is for me, but I know that I noticed and pointed out to you repeatedly: we may be homeless and traumatized, but certainly our work can still and must continue on. No matter how rigid, how awful, how deranged our society, no being can and has the power to stop your work. And if you believe in a Lord, then I hate to be so openly blasphemous but not even the Lord has the ability to stop your work; especially when done and set forth with overcoming what you are now, and progressing past this; if even you already practice a form of healthy self-love. My personal belief system is not meant to persecute or push an agenda of spirituality on others, but is highly focused on work; and this means work even if you don’t have a job, and work even if you don’t want a job; and work even if you are cleaning out scraps; and work even when you mop the floor in a homeless shelter; and work even when you bake on a Friday night; and work even when you watch a movie; I suppose it is an attitude in my life that has never really died, no matter how many times it seemed like it would. It has literally saved my existence and rapidly healed me from various forms of trauma taking me from somebody who can’t function in one moment, to somebody who is highly functional in the next. I hope if your life continues forward, and you discover what your own personal work is; even if it’s just making the bed a certain on certain days or something; it seems like in your phase of development the severity of the trauma has stunted your ability to look at yourself as your best companion, and it’s not my place to judge that; only that you had repeatedly asked me for advice, and and I never thought any of mine worked for you. Personally I hate giving out advice; but if you ask for mine, I’ll hand it to you. So in case you might be gone, here is more of it now. For me suffering means one thing, and If I were to give you a self-designed and idiosyncratic mantra for you specifically; and for you to become conscious of what you are in terms of energy: I would tell you to repeat the following short phrase: I abhor suffering, and I will go to almost any length to avoid it. It’s funny because suffering is so much of what I was born-into that perhaps it’s not surprising that we met because of the energy opposition it places us at in this energy atmosphere; for many years, my attitude was the exact opposite of that. It was something of the nature of this: I welcome suffering even if it is not mine, I own it. But what helped me despite our enormous differences, is being conscious of this if even I had not been conscious of anything else. I suppose we come from different systems of thought about our own existences, and it’s no wonder then my advice would be unable to help you: For it tells you or directs you to seek at least mild forms of suffering so that you could-can get to know yourself and your work, and what it is that it meant to you. Anyway, I hope you are warm in what I presume is a very cold winter, especially when homeless; and not always with enough warmth in clothing, around. I expect that if you are alive, that we will run into each other again; though I’m not so sure about the others; although I am still in contact with some of them, and thus less concerned about their welfare; since most of them have moved forward or on from the homeless situation with at least paid jobs; and new more secure forms of shelter. In other words no more dragging your belongings in the snow, and hoping that you find some place that is warm enough on those certain days when the library isn’t open, or isn’t open early enough. Ha. So goes the homeless life. But I suppose that Society says that this is appropriate for the homeless population; I suppose our society is missing any spiritual understanding of what it means to be homeless; and it openly manifests this in its homeless policies. I know one shelter said I must be diagnosed if I ever wanted stable shelter, and it would be better just to make up a mental illness than to find a job. I must have applied to hundreds of jobs in the year that I was homeless, and attended a few interviews. Obviously nothing panned out for me, but as it seems, I already knew I wanted a career as a volunteer and writer anyway; if even it meant no security and/or the stability of a regular income as I had had before. Anyway, I’m somewhat drained from writing this eulogy and I have to say I blame this on your introversion; introverts drain me tremendously; I have to do a search and rescue of what they’re experiencing because that’s what they ask, and not always do they confirm that I’ve found the right thing. It makes them poor companions for me, and still I’ve had many introverted friends and acquaintances in my not too long life. I say this know, because I am still recovering from our in-person friendship, almost two years later, from meeting you; and that’s how draining it was for me. So this is the best I can manifest in this method. I hope you’re dead, eulogy.